Mum's Body ....

Before you read this, I just want you to know that this was such a new experience for me, this aspect of Mum's passing, that I felt the need to write about it. Please feel free to skip this post if you find the topic a little uncomfortable. xJ

I stood there, out in the fresh air under the trees, and watched the colour drain out of her face. She had gone yellow. Her spirit seemed to have gone, and her body was in the process of dying... going through those last motions of breathing. The exact moment I can't even quite recall, and on reflection it was probably just after those few chesty heaves and and some weird rattling noises. All accompanied by the alarm on the oxygen bottle telling us no air was being inhaled.

The ambo guys put her on the trolley and after a frenzy of gathering my posessions, and locking up my car, I piled into the ambulance and held her hand as we motored back to the Whittle Ward. There was no more movement at all by that time... even though I could swear her tummy was moving up and down in her normal manner, I was just imagining it.

I phoned the others. Such a thing to tell.

We returned to the ward, and I followed the trolley as it was wheeled up the corridor, the staff I'd grown to greatly respect, even love over the last five weeks, looked on with a mixture of sadness, relief and intense support ....

"You can spend as much time with her as you like" they said. No rush.

The others were on their way.

It felt like an eternity standing by her side, in the dimly lit room, with all her belongings around her. It had become her home this last five weeks.

All I could do was stand there, staring, replaying, stroking her hair. Talking to her. Cherishing this moment. She was still warm. I was still in shock.

One by one, the others arrived, and we all shed tears, stared, touched, stroked, talked, listened, and just spent time with each other in the room.

She still looked so yellow, and her body looked so dead.

Her hands still functioned eerily perfectly. Her skin was so soft.

By the time we left her late in the night, she was cold.

After that night, if we chose, we would not have needed to see Mum again... at all.

We need not have even concerned ourselves with the matter. Just pick a coffin, and away she goes.

However, we liked a more hands on approach.

That began, with the idea of actually HAVING a viewing. Not necessarily the norm these days ....

Given us kids, two partners and Jess (Mum's granddaughter) had already seen her, we wondered whether anyone else would actually like to see her ....

Me to mum's long lost brother, Uncle Leigh:
"Would you like an opportunity to see Mum if we have a viewing?"

No.

Me to Dad:
"Would you like an opportunity to see Mum if we have a viewing?"

No.

Me thinking, "maybe we should cann the viewing...".

Me to Mum's best friend:
"Would you like an opportunity to see Mum if we have a viewing?"

So excitedly .... "OHHHHHH, please, I would love to say goodbye, can I?"

Then numerous other of her friends when asked, had similarly enthusiastic responses....

How could we refuse?

So the viewing was on.

Then our thoughts turned to Mum's appearance for the viewing....

When My sister Alanna was very clear she wanted to dress Mum in readiness for her body's final day in this world ... I was dubious having felt I"d already witnessed her body for long enough.... my 'alive' memories were starting to replace the yellow ones.

We had already selected Mum's favourite outfit.

We could have just handed it over with a photo for make up purposes, and left the funeral guys to it.

And Lan was pretty clear she wanted to participate.

Karin told me "honey, are you sure? She will be frozen, really cold ... do you really want to do it if you feel complete already?".

I nearly backed out, and thought about it a long time ... then decided that I didn't want to miss out, so I said, 'I'm coming'... the fact Shel was going too made it even clearer for me.. I would have felt disappointed if they came back raving and I'd not gone ... so I went.... I mean, your Mum only carks it once in your life, it could have been an opportunity not to be missed?!!!

When we were guided into the rather ordinary cement floored and clinical room, I was put off at first. I had psyched myself up for Mum's body looking just like it did the day her spirit left. Very dead!

I was wrong. She looked like she was asleep... her rosy complexion had returned and looked likely to wake up any moment. I quizzed the two funeral guys multiple times, insisting they must have already put make up on her. They insisted they hadn't.

Very bizarre..

Bizarre or not though, we had to get on with it. I stood back to start with, and Shel and Lan put her top on. Literally a 'dead weight. I was afraid to touch her, given what Karin told me ... and I had to do it if I was going to be of assistance .... she was cold, clammy, and had a bit of condensation on her skin. The bottom side of her body was all blotchy where the blood had pooled where she was lying.

I helped put her skirt on. They had put her in a grown-ups nappy! Man this is weird.

So weird looking at Mum, who looked like she might wake up any moment, but totally dead all the same!

We lovingly put her items on, then her favourite pink scarf, her grey shawl, and her favourite brooch and necklace. Even her favourite hush puppy strappy shoes.

Lan attempted to put her lipstick on, and the funeral guy definitely had the knack on that one, so he did it. We decided she didn't need any other make up. She didn't usually wear much anyway, and what we thought would be needed to make her complexion look normal, was totally unnecessary!

Then we were all about to call it a day when I realised all of Mum's chin hairs were still poking out! She hated them!! Long wirey grey hairs... the last they'd beeen plucked was five weeks earlier when we were killing time in emergency, so Lan and I plucked them out while we waited!!

I was like "will I leave holes in her face or anything?" They were like, 'no, not more than normal!!

So after I did her chin hairs, Lan and Shel each plucked an eyebrow each... then she was ready. !!!

Looking beautiful.

Her head was a bit way back, and her chin was looking a bit weird, probably because she never used to lie down flat, she couldn't breathe like that, she would lie on her side.... and if she was upright, she'd lean forward.

Apart from that though, she looked wonderful.

On reflection on participating in the event... it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

I mean, what would they have years and years ago? In times pre-technology and big cities? Rung the funeral directors to come and dispose of the body? Other cultures today have a strong connection to the body when their loved ones pass....

My guess is that if we were left to deal with this situation in a natural manner, it would be an act of family gathering to prepare the body for departure. And the process of viewing and preparing the body would probably quite widely available to friends and family and quite normal??

It seems to me that we as a culture have become so removed from the process ... and I feel so glad we did all that we could to take care of it.

I keep thinking about it as a rather large detail!! I mean, when your spirit checks out of this world, the body is a pretty important detail to be dealt with!

We also felt that we didn't want to do what was customary these days and just wave the coffin off from the church, on its way to the crematorium.

Geez, it could have gotten squashed by a bus between the church and its destination... I felt it was only right that we drive behind and make sure she got to her final destination...

Which was kind of disconcerting but kind of funny at the same time on reflection. A totally inelegant and low-key colourbond building with a roller door ... and when we approached a little close, could see the other coffins inside lining up for the furnace.

Hmmm .... what a last parting image for our beloved Mum's coffin ... and hey... it gets better....

I now have a big plastic cannister of her ashes in a paper bag, just as I took delivery, sitting in my cupboard.

I have decided my best memory of the remains of my Mum's body will be of her floating through the air, and settling on the branches and in the earth of her beloved tree, where she requested her ashes be scattered, overlooking Sleeping Beauty and family's home.

I hope my story was a little thought provoking and informative. It's been a whole new experience for me, that's all I can say!!!!

xxJ